July 12, 2025

00:00:00:00 - 00:00:40:23

So a couple of other ways that I think about this space, because I really do it, it, I think about it in a lot of different ways. Um. Uh, one is that it's a space where I can kind of just like... put down what I feel like, put, you know, like I'm collecting, it’s it’s space for my junk, right? So it's it's like these, uh, thoughts and feelings or whatever comes out of me, like, I it's a place to, to put it, um, to put whatever I'm feeling drawn to and and kind of what, what stands out to me.

00:00:40:24 - 00:01:22:01

And, um, I really try, you know, I'm I'm intentional about not trying to think about, like, “what do other people think should be on here?” “What what is like, you know, what's an audience?” or something like that. You know, like I've because I've shared my, you know, this junkyard with some other folks and, and sometimes like sharing it with artists they've asked like, “So what's your intended audien-- audience?” or whatever, you know? Um. [Clears throat] And, um, I am I am my own audience, like I this space is for me, um, to let myself feel what I am feeling or think what I'm thinking.

00:01:22:01 - 00:01:51:03

Like, I, um, sometimes have a hard time connecting to my emotions, um, or understanding my emotions. So it's it's a it's really it's a space for me to, to, to let out whatever I need to let out. Um. That's one way that I think about it. Another way that I think about it is, um, as sort of a, an evolving self-portrait. Um.

00:01:51:06 - 00:02:17:27

Yeah. Like, I, I, I mean, I think the idea of a self-portrait is so interesting because it's like. I don't know, I guess my traditional, my, uh, traditional, um, kind of image of a portrait is like a static, you know, like a painting or something like that, that, that, you know, in some ways is static because it's painted and then it's there and then you can't really change it.

00:02:17:27 - 00:02:50:00

Well, that's, you know, a total that's a, that's a total generalization. And, there are ways that you can alter a painting over time and blah, blah, blah, blah blah, but I guess my, my association, whatever, the point is that, um, it's a self-portrait that shows how my thought it feels like a self-portrait that that shows how my understanding of myself and my understanding of the world changes over time, continues to change.

00:02:50:00 - 00:03:20:17

And the way that I understand myself, the language that I use to describe myself right now is not the way that I understood myself, however many years ago, day to day, you know, like I learn new things about myself and about the world, and it changes the way that I understand myself and and the world around me. Um, so this is a portrait of that dynamic understanding, um, over time, I guess. Um.

00:03:20:19 - 00:03:53:27

That's two. And then another way that I think about it is, um, like something and I've kind of had new language for it since, um, realizing that I'm autistic like six months ago or something like that. Um, but I, I've kind of started to think about it as like, um, kind of researching like a special interest of mine, um, because I realized that, like, I am so fascinated by the way that my own brain works.

00:03:53:29 - 00:04:25:00

So it's funny, like, uh, like a lot of times in my day to day life, like, with friends or whatever. Like for the most part, I don't, like, talk about myself a ton, you know, I, I tend to like, you know, wait for--oh there’s little anty. Um, I tend to, like, wait for other people to ask questions about me before I’ll before I start talking about myself. Um.

00:04:25:02 - 00:04:52:12

And so it's kind of funny. That's been kind of a funny part of, like, now having the junkyard up for a little while, and I'll go on there and there's like so many like my, my face everywhere, you know, it's like me all over the place [laughs] and, um, and it's kind of not I just didn't I hadn't thought about that I hadn’t pictured that beforehand, but, um, but I do have such a fascination with the way that my own brain works.

00:04:52:12 - 00:05:19:15

And so it's cool, It's it's a chance to just, like, puzzle over things, over what's happening in my brain in a new way. Because I, I upload photos and like, you know, thoughts from my notes and stuff like that. And then I've, you know, and then I, I look at it and I all open the page and different photos and words will come up each time.

00:05:19:18 - 00:05:42:10

And I've started noticing patterns in, um, the photos of, of things that I'll take in the shapes and colors that, that I gravitate towards, I guess, um, and in like, things like words that resonated with me years ago that, um, that all of a sudden are coming out in my art like, “kaleidoscope.” So my cat's name is Kali.

00:05:42:12 - 00:06:07:23

K-A-L-I, um, and it's short for kaleidoscope. Um, Kali Kaleidoscope. Um, she's not a calico, she's a tortie, so like, I get asked that a lot. Um but, um, yeah. Kali Kaleidoscope. Because she's got all these, like, little spots, and so she's just like, my little, like, galaxy cat, um, cutie pie. Um. And I've had her for

00:06:07:23 - 00:06:27:08

Gosh, I don't know what time is. Time is such an abstract thing for me, but I've had her for a long time. [Chuckles] Like five years or something like that. I've had her for maybe four years. Um, well before I started, um, definitely before I, well before I started thinking of myself as an artist and like, um, exploring art in a more intentional way.

00:06:27:11 - 00:06:49:24

And well, before I, like, had a kaleidoscope or started, like, like, kaleidoscopes are all over the fucking junkyard now because they're so cool and interesting. Like, they're so fucking cool! You look through this thing and it's like, what the fuck? Wait, can I see, can we do a little: Hi! Can we do a little: Hi! [Blows raspberry] [Makes mouth sounds] Anyway, I'm getting distracted.

00:06:49:26 - 00:07:27:23

The point is that kaleidoscopes, like, I named my cat Kali Kaleidoscope. How the fuck did I, I so I was this is anyway, I'm getting a little sidetracked. The point is that it's I'm just genuinely fascinated by myself [laughs] and by, like, by by my own, like, feelings and thoughts and growth and, um, and so that's another way that I think of this space is just, uh, like exploring my own fascination and curiosity about myself, I guess. Um, yeah.

00:07:27:29 - 00:08:01:04

So those are, those are at least three ways that I, that I think about this junkyard. Um. And it's also like, I don't know, it's it's, a, it also feels like just a space for kind of whatever I need it to be, you know. Um. I like that, I'm, I'm intentional, I'm intentionally trying to build it in a way that, um, is adaptable so that I can, um, change it over time as my needs for it change

00:08:01:04 - 00:08:40:10

and as my, um, thinking around it changes, um, because inevitable, inevitably, I know that it will, um, just with time. So anyway. Yeah, I'm fucking loving this. Like, this is, um, I'm getting a lot of, like, uh, motivation and energy and, um, joy out of out of the time and energy that that that's going into this junkyard. Um. And I'm, like, learning things about myself, like I said, like these patterns that I'm seeing. Um.

00:08:40:13 - 00:09:08:14

I also do feel like it's, I’m like holding space for myself to feel things, um, in a way that I didn't know that I needed, but that I'm really, really loving for myself. Honestly. Um. So, yeah. I don’t know. Go me. [Laughs and blows raspberry] Yeah. Go go little old me. Um.